Match report March 13 2010

The 1st XI maintained their title push and gained promotion with a rousing 6-1 win over Southampton II. The Ladies cruised to a 2-0 win at Reigate, a result which does not reflect the one-sided nature of the game, and the 2nd XI gained a much-needed 2-1 win at Barnes. The 3rd XI fought out an entertaining 3-3 draw with Sanderstead, but the 4th XI went down 1-2 to second-place Sunbury. The Vets beat Tunbridge Wells 5-0.

1st XI 6-1 Southampton II
Another emphatic win that, with Southampton 1st XI losing, guaranteed promotion and left us four points from winning the league with three games to go.

Welcome Norman, our fifth keeper of the season, only three left in the club who have not played - could just squeeze them all in.

The early exchanges saw us forcing the play and off our game but from midway in the first half until midway into the second we played some sublime hockey during which we scored six. Hunts opened the scoring from a short corner and Rory tapped home the second following an excellent strong run from Gavin down the left that set up the goal. Our purple patch came early in the second half with four well-worked goals from Cookiey, Gavin, CV and Knapp that put the game to bed. Even when Rory recedived a yellow we did not lose our way.

For the last 20 minutes we pressed forward but did not play quite the same clinical hockey we had been playing but still created enough chances to have had double figures. The Southampton keeper made a number of saves but some of will look back at the chances we had and will say that we should have done better. Souhampton scored a consolation at the death following some very good interchange of passes themselves. The 2s also won the crucial points as did the ladies so a good day all round at the top of the club.

Woking away next week who gave us a hard game last time round so nothing for granted until we have won the league. David Knapp


Reigate 0-2 Ladies


Barnes 1-2 2nd XI


3rd XI 3-3 Sanderstead
A very entertaining match where a draw was a fair result, and where we had to come from behind twice and survive the yellow carding of our keeper. We exchanged goals in the first half as both sides switched the ball around skilfully, but on the stroke of half time Nigel Hawes mistimed (or quite possibly knowing Nigel, timed) his slide and wiped out the Sanderstead forward. His grin said it all, but the yellow card was a minor punishment compared to what awaited him when he got home. The flick was converted, Jock was held responsible for not saving it, and we went into the break a goal down. Jock bizarrely explained he was less mobile as he had kneed himself in the face chasing a sheep the day before. No, we don’t know either.

We survived the five minutes until Nigel returned (and the ten minutes it took the Laurel and Hardy duo of Hawes and Vickers to exchange the kit) and then drew level when James Armitage, 30 tomorrow, rifled home a short corner. A moment to reflect on Armitage who alternated between the excellent and the excruciating. His goal was crisp, and there were the usual powerful runs and important tackles. There were also some dreadful passes – he got an assist for Sanderstead’s third when he gifted them the ball inside their own D from which they scored within 20 seconds as Armitage still lay on the ground berating himself. His highlight, however, was after his goal. From the restart, Sanderstead attacked and all 11 of our players crammed into the 25 to defend with their lives. Well, ten actually. Armitage was spotted on the opposition 25 posing for a photograph taken from the sideline by his fiancée.

After going 2-3 down we had our worst few minutes, clinical passing giving way to wild hitting. But we gradually rediscovered out touch and eventually our pressure paid off as the tireless Bruce, who is clearly powered by Duracel, bundled home the equaliser. A scrappy goal to beat the visitor’s keeper who had kept them in the hunt. We finished the stronger but the draw was just.

Subruy 2-1 4th XI


Veterans 5-0 Tunbridge Wells

Match report March 6 2010

Rory Alexander scored all four goals in a below-par performance against strugglers Southampton University, but it was enough to secure us a 4-2 victory which keeps us at the top of the table. The Ladies turned in an excellent display to beat second-placed Wimbledon, keeping our outside chance of promotion alive. The 3rd XI won 2-0 at Surrey Old Boys, while the 4th XI put their early-year goal famine behind them by trouncing Addiscombe 7-1, but the 2nd XI were on the receiving end of an 8-2 stuffing by Merton.

Southampton Uni 2-4 1st XI
As well as we performed last week this performance was poor and but for Rory's sharp shooting which bagged him all four and Paul's excellent debut in goal we would have been in trouble.

Southampton Uni may well be wondering how we are top and undefeated, but top and undefeated we are needing four points out of the 12 remaining on offer to confirm promotion. Today was probably as much as expecting to win and being too casual - something we talked about ahead of the game. A number of us were off our game and we were too slow in bringing the ball out of areas. Although we had the lion's share of possession we squandered chances, choosing the wrong option, and only won one short corner.

The half time score was 1-1, Rory deflecting home a cross from Wobble where we had brought the ball out from the right hand side, two touched it to the left with Wobble putting the ball into the D. In the first few minutes Cookiey and Hunts hammered a ball goalwards and Gavin was in good positions on a handful of occasions when wrong options were chosen. Ever dangerous on the break the Uni created some good chances but Paul was on hand to keep the goal intact making three top-drawer saves. There was however nothing he could do to prevent an equaliser 20 seconds from half time when the ball was given away by our defence two yards out.

Early in the second half we made the most of what the Uni thought was a fortuitous decision for our only short with their keeper making a Horlicks of Rory's shot and we were two up. Although we scored two more to go 4-1 up, Rory whipping home two shots from the top of the D, we were never comfortable in our play and gave the Uni a sniff with 8 minutes to go conceding another sloppy goal.

Fair to say that our attendance at training over the last few weeks has been poor and this is reflected in performances like today. We are too one dimensional and lack legs in certain parts of the pitch, both of which can be sorted by a more committed training regime.

Southampton seconds next week so will be interesting to see what team they put out. Do they bolster the 2s at the expense of the 1s to try and turn us over or ensure a strong first XI who are playing Wanderers to keep their promotion rather than title designs alive? David Knapp

Ladies XI 2-1 Wimbledon


2nd XI 2-8 Merton


Surrey Old Boys II 0-2 3rd XI
The 3XI drove down the A3, beyond Thames Ditton to the last game at The Varsity Centre which is due to be knocked down at the end of the season. Playing against a team that we dished out a 11-0 spanking to earlier this season, we had a strong line-up (and Jock) anticipating a challenging game.

The game started with confident play and solid movement of the ball through the team. Surrey old Boys (SOBs) however started picking up the game after 10 minutes and pushed the defence to some innovative play. Stu and Tim held the centre well and although some attacks were more threatening, it was Mr Hawes that kept the team in with a shout. It was however another attack that Tim 'twinkle-toes' Judd felt that using his feet instead of the stick to keep the ball out that Nigel really stepped up. A penalty flick, Nigel, theatrical to the point, deflected the flick away with his stick keeping the OCs in the game. The 1st half evolved with some better play in the last 10 minutes with CD holding the right defence and distributed the ball through to Tissy and the centre midfields, Armo and Bruce. Preston dropped back a little to provide a point man and the OCs started to control the end of the first half. In one of the attacks, a ball crossed in and SOBs defence weren't able to clear and another foot on the line. Preston stepped up and calming put the ball away into the right side. Half time.

The second half started with better play and the midfield started to have better control of the game. Although SOBs weren't giving up, the distribution and team work in the second half was greatly improved. SOBs attack however came with occassional breaks that the defence handled well but it was Mr Hawes that held his own and made several excellent clearances. Ross and Chaz were linking up well upfront and starting to move the ball quickly but a moment that no one likes to see, Stu in a shot at goal, shot from the back of the D and a SOB defended put his head onto the end of Stu's stick and came off the worse. Paramedics arrived, Jock told the injured man to man-up and off to Surrey A&E on a saturday afternoon. We wish the player all the best.

The midfield started to take control of the game in the final 5 minutes and some strong breaks played out and although a goal almost seemed inevitable, some excellent skills from Preston drew the keeper out to the ball, passed to Chaz whos sweep was going slightly off course and it was Ross from 2 inches that closed out the game with a 2-0 win. Man of the match, Nigel Hawes, DOTD was however Tim who turned up without a stick and shin pads! Whatever he thought was going to happen with these minor resources remains a mystery. A good win and well played to the OC defence, another clean sheet. James Armitage


4th XI 7-1 Addiscombe


Wimbledon Vets 0-2 Vets XI
OC Vets arrived in dribs and drabs for the evening fixture against Wimbledon in Motspur Park, somewhere north of Siberia. The footballers on the adjoining pitches had long since packed up and gone home before our game had even started. The setting sun dazzled for one half but gave out no warmth. We were cold before we even started, frost-bitten by half time and by the end had all sensation in our extremities. But nevertheless we left New Malden in good spirits, with the glow of satisfaction of a fine win warming our hearts.
There were eleven of us and about fifteen of them. We were blessed with the presence of Ollie, rock solid at the back and full of class. Shanks had another stormer between the sticks, and the spine of the team was strong; Trinder, Howie and Rowlands running midfield, were, as they always are, very very good. But above all we had Andrew Eve and Andrew, as the song goes, ‘well, he was something else’.

A rather scruffy first half came alive when Rowlands slipped his man, got down the line and knocked a dangerous ball to the top of an empty D. Eve, with a defender in close attendance, raced each other to the ball but the winner of that contest was emphatically our balding super-skipper. Arriving half a yard before his opponent he unleashed a fierce first-time shot from fifteen yards out that bulleted into the top right hand corner. The Wimbledon keeper was good enough to get a hand on it but the shot was too strong and, courtesy of this wonder-strike, we got to half time one up.

Very few of us listen to Andrew’s half time talks any more, but anyone who had would have heard him suggest that we have a ‘big first ten minutes and get a second goal’. Well ten goalless minutes of the second half were nearly up when Andy took it upon himself to implement his own half-time advice. Another dangerous OC attack looked to have been stifled as the ball was shovelled away from goal by a defender. Luckily for us it fell to the mighty Eve who smashed a bouncing ball just inside the far post. Eve 2 Wimbledon nil and for a while it was party-time.

Then with 10 minutes remaining our luck seemed to run out as our hairless hero decided to intercept a fast moving Wimbledon clearance. He charged at the oncoming ball just as a Wimbledon stick lifted it head high. There was a sickening, bony thud as the ball hit Eve square on the forehead opening up a deep, nasty and bloody wound. There then followed a period of intense medical activity (i.e. chaos) as various Vets demonstrated their caring skills. Trinder took charge but was tender, you might say almost maternal. Rowlands was enthusiastic but, with respect, largely incompetent, crowning his eccentric surgical efforts with an attempt to apply a large plaster without first removing it from the packet. The author of this report demonstrated a medieval ignorance of micro-biology and germs by producing and applying a grubby bandage that had been languishing in the bottom of his kit bag since 1997.

Thus was our beloved leader repaired and, bless him, was he was determined to play on Terry Butcher style, bloodied but unbowed. Common sense prevailed however and Wimbledon kindly lent us a player and we battled the last ten minutes, with Eve consigned to helpful remarks from the touchline.

Within seconds however Wimbledon won a flick and we all had that nasty feeling that the game might yet slip through our fingers. But we reckoned without Shanksy who leaped cat-like to his right post to beat out the well-placed stroke. It was a great save from our in-form keeper and much-needed. Our self-belief was thus restored and Wimbledon’s soon faded and we were able to keep them out until the final whistle.

This was a great win between two very evenly matched teams separated only by two moments of brilliance by the ever-young Andrew Eve. David Burles

Watch the World Cup live

The FIA Hockey World Cup rumbles on and you can watch every match live, as well as seeing highlights from previous games, by visiting the Daily Telegraph website.

Tortoise vs Hare 'The Rematch'

We are delighted to report that Preston Rutt’s second children’s book, Tortoise vs Hare 'The Rematch', has been published this month. This is the follow-up to his previous offering, Captain Yellowbelly the Tale of the Terrible Pirate. Reports the character of Yellowbelly was modelled on Christian Davies have always been denied.

One of the first reviews of Tortoise vs Hare 'The Rematch' said: “Reading it is easy as Rutt’s words are eloquent, while still simple, and he uses repetition, within a changing style and pace, very fluidly. It is a great night-time read, especially as the book ceases with the race narrator going to sleep himself, thus encouraging the reader to get some shut-eye too. A conclusion I enjoy in a book, as that is when we do the vast majority of our reading.”

Click here to buy this from Amazon. Preston will be available to sign copies during one of his many spells in the dugout recovering his breath.

Match report February 27 2010

The 1st XI eased over a potential banana skin with a rousing 6-0 win against London Wayfarers, and the 4th XI came away from University of Surrey with a 3-2 victory. But the 3rd XI went down to UCL 3-0 and the Vets, without a win in four months, were hammered 7-0 by Oxted.

1st XI 6-0 London Wayfarers
Click here for match photos
An interesting and frustrating week that ended with our biggest and most emphatic win of the season against London Weyfarers who had proved their ability in drawing two weeks ago with Yateley. In fact we scored one goal for each person at training on Wednesday.

Mumps for the skipper and work committments saw us down to 10 players on Thursday, including Coops with a bad back, until CV answered the call for a return to the fold and Jock agreed to sit on the bench. Thanks Jock, much appreciated. Apologies also to Rory who was Man of the Match last week and to Hunts who made a goal in October with credit going to someone else.

With the LW first team riding high in the Southern Premier B division this game was bound to prove a stern test and the first five minutes illustrated the benefit of guys training with their first team squad with the ball being knocked around with confidence and our not touching the ball whilst 20 or so passes were put together. Playing a formation we had not played for a few years prevented LW from making in roads and slowly but surely we came into the game.

The danger we created came predominantly down the flanks and our first goal came from an interchange down the right, a great run from man of the match Cookiey who drove down the by line and Rory was on hand to pop home the loose ball. LW still threatened but other than one short corner did not have any shots although Coops was alert to clear a ball that rolled through and which could have caused a problem. Their pressing was ultimately LWs undoing when we broke quickly, Hunts ( I can't remember who did release the ball but let's redress the balance ) released the ball up field to Rory who converted after a strong run, cutting inside and cracking the ball home. 2-0 at half time possibly flattered us with the third goal going to be the crucial one of the game.

Again we broke well out of defence and in stopping a through ball to Gavin illegally LW were reduced to 10 men, an advantage we used to our benefit with Knapp flicking home the ball from a well worked short corner, our second of the game. By this stage we dominant using the space created by hard running from our midfield and forwards and Rory scored his third being superbly set up by Cookiey. Our next short produced our fifth with Cookiey deservedly scoring the goal and with five to go fortune favoured Knapp whose miss-hit reverse stick shot looped over the keeper into the goal.

We could have had more but crucially kept a clean sheet and boosted our goal difference. This week we stuck to our second half plan and it paid dividends. The work rate was exceptional from everyone on the pitch and we fully deserved this big win.

Five games to go against teams in the lower half all of whom are desperately scrapping for points so no easy pickings. Southampton Uni next week who gave us a tough game back in November that we squeaked 4 - 3.

Old Georgians 2-0 Ladies XI
A Sunday match against a side languishing at the bottom of the table (the alternative offered was 5.30pm the day/evening before) coming into the match on a run of seven straight defeats during which time they scored four and conceded 21. On paper we should have won this with ease, but we failed to make the most of our chances while OGs scored from their two short corners.

Sarah Hills reports: "The game started off a little shaky, the pitch was very bouncy and the weather was extremely off putting. However shortly into the beginning of the match Manny hit an OG player with her stick, this gave us enough time for a quick team talk, back on side we pulled ourselves together and started playing as a team, with strong passes and good communication. The torrential rain finally stopped which aided our play and with us dominating the pitch we were definitely the better team.

"At half time the team gathered their thoughts and with a few minor adjustments to the team we were back on track to try and win the game. Back on the pitch we managed to gain some short corners, however the OG team and their spectators on the side line screamed and shouted as Rewa pushed off the back line, this was at times very distracting.

"Towards the end of the second half OGs gained two short corners which resulted in two goals, leaving the score 2-0 to OGs, this made us even more determined to get a goal before the game was over, with several attempts made to score we were unfortunately not able to do so."



Wanderers III 0-1 2nd XI
After last week’s disappointing loss (and to be frank utter capitulation in the second half) it was vital that we got back to winning ways against a resurgent Wanderers 3s – one place below us and therefore also in the relegation tussle. Last time we played them we won fairly easily (6-0) in the pouring rain but this time it was a very different side. The game started frenetically, both sides struggling to take control. The first clear cut chance fell to Wanderers but Paul Watson, who has looked better with each game he has played, made the first of a number of very sharp saves – denying them and keeping us in it.

We did look threatening when we played short balls – Andy Farquhar, another much improved player, showing silky skills up front and Neil Grimes looked a class above the rest as he consistently does. Half way through the first half both sides had missed chances with our back four and in particular Peter Jacobs and Jon Heard making important last ditch tackles. Nick Lewis injected pace throughout, and it was his quick thinking and crisp, accurate pass that picked out Jon Heard in acres of space on the left side from a free hit on the right touchline. Heardy crashed it in and we finished off, via the goalie’s helmet. 1-0 and so it remained at half time.

Last week, after being in total control the first half, we threw it away in second. Andy Selby, the stand-in skipper, made it clear that we would have to fight for it in the second half and then led from the front, man-marking their playmaker. The second half was a nervous watch from the touchline with sustained pressure from them and a couple more fine saves from Paul and the post denying Wanderers. They were still in our d when the 2 minutes was signalled but we managed to break and really should have converted a guilt edged 2 on 1 with the keeper. However that allowed us to camp up their end for the dying seconds and grab a vital victory. Our thanks to Preston who stood in for us at the last minute after we struggled to get an 11 out – not for the first time this season.

That said we now have a young side, who are improving and are increasingly enjoying their hockey – which bodes well for the season. We now lie 6 points above the relegation zone (although Wanderes have a game against their 2s, so we only effectively have a 3 points buffer). We have showed that we can cope in this league, despite some disappointing results, and as a young side finding our feet should be able to hold our own next year if we stay in this league.

Finally, congratulations to Chris Porter on his recent engagement to Jo Deacon (also an OC) – we expect to see a much calmer Ports on the pitch now!! We also wish Dodie, who has been much missed, all the best with his continued recovery. He hopes to be walking again by Easter and if all goes well back running by next November. Rob Merry


3rd XI 0-3 UCL


University of Surrey 2-3 4th XI
This week saw the Mighty 4th team take on bottom of the table strugglers University of Surrey seconds. But anyone expecting a 10-nil stroll in the Surrey sunshine was in for a surprise. Despite having shipped 60-plus goals this season, Surrey Uni were disciplined and not short of pace and talent. But as Herr Goebbels-Harmer ordained in his stirring pre-match oratory: ‘Meine Herren: Zey may haf six substitutes and der youth on their zide, but we have guile and experience. Never forget: “Erfahrung über Jugend, experience trumps youth, as I am fond of zaying zometimes”. Desperately short of goals since Christmas, spirits were further lifted by the return of all-time legend and 100-club super-star Tony ‘the tash’ Jones with the continued absence of last season’s top scorer Mr Louis Strover (injured), Bertie Bance (tax exile) and Smeer (traffic surfing and dodging articulated vehicles in the south-side massif).

Surrey started brightly setting up wave after wave of organised attacks featuring celebrity lookie-likees Napoleon-Dynamite and Fantasy Island’s very own pint-size manservant Tattoo (‘Hey boss, the plane is coming’). All thwarted by a solid first half performance by Stefano, Harmer and Kevin, with Howie, Sushi and Rob Jonker controlling the midfield and stifling some surging runs from Surrey’s playmakers.

We finished the first half with a two-goal lead thanks to short-corner conversions from Harmer and Howie but Surrey looked more than capable of pulling back that deficit and scoring on the break. The second half was well contested with end-to-end moves, including some mesmeric runs down the right from winger Dom and chances for Surrey requiring solid saves from Mr Smith. Surrey’s six-man bench were well used with rolling subs and fresh legs causing problems but ultimately confusing themselves as much as us. However, Surrey grabbed a goal from a thunderbolt strike from another short corner and the game was again finely balanced with Surrey pressing for an equaliser at 2-1.

But cometh the hour, cometh the man. Step forward Tony Jones at the near post to deflect an angled drive from the edge of the D into the roof of the net to restore our two goal advantage at 3-1. But with five minutes to go, Surrey raised their game again and scored from a short-corner scramble via the boot of yours truly, to make it 3-2. Cue frantic final 90 seconds with time enough for a final short corner for Surrey to level the score but not converted.

In the end, a good game, and 3-2 a fair result. The win takes the 4ths back to 5th in the table with 30 points after 18 games, just ahead of a chasing mid-table pack. Robin Crumby

Porter gets engaged

We are delighted to announce the engagement of 2nd XI lynchpin and tormentor of umpires Chris Porter to another OC, Jo Deacon.

Match report February 20 2010

A huge win for the 1st XI as they beat promotion-chasing Yateley 3-1, a result which puts us in a commanding position at the top of the table given Southampton's draw at bottom-placed Woking. The 3rd XI had a Jock Vickers goal 90 seconds from time to thank for earning them a 1-1 draw in an entertaining game against Horley, while the 4th XI also drew, 2-2 away at OMWs.

1st XI 3-1 Yateley
Click here for match photos
Three huge points in another entertaining encounter against a Yateley team who come and play good and aggressive hockey. A point behind having played a game more than us made this a must-win game for Yateley and certainly one they could not afford to lose. As it was we ran out winners scoring two key goals at points in the game where we were under pressure.

We dominated the first 20 minutes playing some excellent hockey but only had Cookiey's goal to show for our efforts, with his picking up a loose ball from a short that had broken down and coolly slotting the ball home by lifting it over the diving goalkeeper. Playing patient hockey we built from the back and posed constant threats down the flanks. The work rate was exceptional but we could not convert the chances we created so giving Yateley a sniff. A mix-up at the back enabled the away side to break and they should have made more of the chance. In between times Coops made two great saves to keep our noses in front. We perceived that the danger would come from the Yateley short corners but we managed to deal with the threat whilst not making the most of our corners.

As the first half entered the last 10 minutes we were being pinned in our own half as the pressure mounted, but a break out of defence saw the ball fall to Rory who used pace and strength to cut in and roll the ball under the advancing keeper, a goal against the run of play. The last play of the half ended with us winning a short and although Cookiey flicked the ball into the goal Woody was correctly adjudged to have used his body to bring the ball down before making the pass.

After the break Yateley continued to press giving us no time to build our attacks but we held firm until we conceded a short that Rob Lowe converted to bring Yateley back into the game and deservedly so. Coops continued to hold firm however but midway through the half we lost Danny to a yellow card for breaking play down and Yateley sensed they had a golden opportunity to draw level. As it was a superb ball from Rippers to Cookiey opend up the oppo's defence and a crashed ball was touched in by Knapp at the far post to make it 3-1. Two minutes later we were down to nine when Eds received a yellow but again the away side were unable to benefit as one of their players received a yellow for a similar offence. Arguably this card was harsh but gave us the fillip we needed.

Our defence prevented any further clear cut chances until 10 minutes from time but Coops was again on hand to thwart the oppo perhaps being fortunate as the ball lodged itself under his pads but seeing the decision going his way.

Aaron and Tony umpired what was a potentially tricky game very well although we probably had the best of the marginal decisions.

Probably the most encouraging aspect to come out of the season thus far are the performances of Cookiey and Rory who have taken their being dropped on the chin and come back with real character.

Always difficult to pick a man of the match after a team performance like today's but if there was one it had to be Coops.

Our win has also done Southampton a favour but with six games to go we cannot afford to be complacent. London Wayfarers at TD next week who will be another tough nut to crack.


OMWs 5-1 2nd XI
A very disappointing result, especially given our dominance in the first half. At times it has to be said that they seemed to want it more than us. If we want to stay in this league then we must win on Saturday. We beat Wanderers 3s 6-0 at home, but they’ll will put up much more of a fight this time - they beat London Eds 7-0 on Saturday. A further blow came with news that captain Rob merry is likely to miss the remainder of the season after sustaining a broken hand during the game.

3rd XI 1-1 Horley
An entertaining game played in a good spirit with more than enough goal-mouth action to keep a decent crowd entertained on a cold and sunny morning. Both sides showed some excellent touches, with the youthful Marshall brothers (Surely some mistake), playing together for the first time, in excellent form. We created some good chances, Simon Marshall going closest when his point-blank nudge was pushed wide and then creating another with a crisp angled ball across the D which somehow avoided all three OC strikers.

Horley were not short of opportunities either, forcing Nigel Hawes into several diving saves and even allowing him the chance to wipe out one of their forwards. His smirk as he feigned interested in the flattened striker’s welfare was clear even from the sidelines.

Horley looked more dangerous as the game wore on but our defence held firm, and in the middle Duncan, Armo and Bruce ran their socks off while Stu played well without ever threatening to run anything off. Horley took the lead when they finally converted a three-on-two ten minutes from time, and that appeared to have knocked the stuffing out of us as we followed with some of our worst hockey of the day. But with two minutes to go we won a short corner from which Jock Vickers dragged the ball from the top of the D and it ambled through a sea of sticks before apologetically puffing into the goal. He claimed topspin. Everyone else knew better.

OMWs 2-2 4th XI
It has been said that when John Terry chose which of his team-mates' wives to do the dirty with he should have ignored Wayne Bridge's WAG and looked no further than Mr Cole's. Not only is Cheryl a bastion of pop and judge of fine music, but she seems to be a lot more available these days ....

In the OC fourth team the incest is even more rife. The love triangle between the three captains (Dom, Harmer and Archer) has been hinted to before in this column. This week the news broke that Dom and Harmer had disappeared to Barcelona for the weekend, leaving Archer alone to lead the team. Not only was he alone, but a late 'sickie' text from Smeer left the team one short at 10am. (Sorry Smeer, hope you are feeling better).

Cometh the moment, cometh the man - and Andy Eve was there by 11am to save the day.

An arguable first goal (had it gone five yards, had it not, do we know the rules yet ... probably not) left us behind after 15 minutes. This was countered 20 minutes later with a bullet of a cross from Jonker that was deftly placed in the back of the net by Howy.

The second half went in a similar manner. This time, however, it was definitely a goal from OMW with a cunning short-corner routine. Again Howy was there soon after to equalise. Finishing at 2-2, it was probably a fair result.

The game at best could be described as scrappy and at worst it could be said that Tommy, Howy, Evo and a bunch of 14-year-olds on the opposition gave us a lesson in experience and skill.

Post-match cakes, however, were a fine array of baking. A night at the oven had produced a near Tesco standard of confectionary from Oxo.

Thanks to all everyone who made the game possible even though two of our captains have let us down this week by being on a 'mini' break. But similarly to John Terry, as long as they play well next week I expect all will be forgotten. Mark Oxbrough