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The wise thing for the organisers to have done after the hugely successful Kenya tour in 2001 would have been to quit. But neither of the individuals responsible are renowned for their common sense, and instead they chose to endure six months of living hell by opting for Australia as the destination for the fourth major overseas trip. But in the end the hard work was worthwhile and another memorable jaunt had by all.

The trip was in the balance for some time as several stalwarts opted out (one or two even opted in and out a number of times) but in the end 12 souls assembled at Heathrow, to be joined by another six from around the world by the time we landed in Sydney. With a game 28 hours after we arrived, the common sense thing would to have been a quiet day of slumber. Several opted for posing on the beach (inevitably spearheaded by Nick Read and Eds Copleston), Tom Trevett relaxed by life saving, while the reminder got stuck into the beer.

On our first two tours to Antigua and Sri Lanka we carefully planned the itinerary to include five or six days of acclimatisation before the first game. We won both matches. In Kenya, and again this time in Australia, we played the day after we arrived and were bowled out for 70 and 71. Spot a pattern? We did hold Knox Old Boys for an hour-and-a-half (they were 48 for 3 after 20 overs) but our fielding slipped as the day got hotter and then our batting subsided completely. It could have been worse. At one stage we were 36 for 9. At least our early drubbing allowed us a leisurely tour of Sydney's impressive Olympic complex. What price the new Wembley stadium?

A rare day of relaxation (until fines at least) was followed by our second game, and a morale-boosting win against St George's Veterans, one of our weaker opponents but after the hammering at Knox Grammar that was just what was needed. Nathan Ross and Mike Chase batted well, Pete Hobbs, Tom Hufton and Read bowled with venmom, and the evening ended with a superb outdoor meal at St George's delightful ground.

Our third game in four days was the playing highlight of the trip - against a Bradman Foundation XI at Bowral's Bradman Oval. The ground was almost chocolate boxy, set in a slumbering suburb and enclosed by a white picket fence. It was like going back in time. Only the overcast sky and chill (sweaters were the order of the day) spoilt the daydream. We batted well, if rather slowly at first, before Rick Johnson kick-started the innings and then Read and Mike Chetwode scored briskly in the final overs. A hostile opening three-wicket burst from Pete Hobbs (capped by with his well-held skyer at long leg) reduced the Bradman XI to 37 for 4 chasing 180 before a brutal 91 from Jensen dashed our dreams of a memorable win. The day ended with a personal tour of the Bradman Museum, the curator having kindly stayed on until our game was complete.

On Thursday it was back to reality with a bump as we watched the first VB Series final between Australia and England at the SCG. It should have been a day/night match, but so abject was England's performance that the game was over long before the lights were needed. Much VB was sunk, several England cricketers forced to pose with Chetwode, and then to cap our day we were evicted from a sushi bar for the quality of our karaoke singing (all the more insulting given that we were the only ones in the restaurant at the time). A tour isn't a tour without one of our members being knocked out, and a blond opening batsmen duly obliged at a King's Cross nightclub.

On Friday we travelled to the Hunter Valley, a region of extreme heat and much wine. It was good to be out of Sydney, where the smell of the nearby bushfires was becoming more apparent, and the afternoon's wine tasting went down well and several tourists were lubricated enough to part with large sums of money to buy cases of wine that Rick 'knew a way of getting back on the cheap'. Suffice to say they have more chance of spotting Lord Lucan in their local Waitrose than ever seeing the product of their spending.

The fourth game, against a Wandrin Valley XI, was played at the beautiful Wandrin Valley ground which had been carved out of the woods surrounding the vineyard. The standard was not high - it was in the middle of the harvest and even in Australia that takes precedence over cricket - but the good food and excellent wine more than made up for that. Oh, and we won.

An early start on the Sunday, a short flight up to the Whitsundays, and then the second (hedonistic) half of the trip began. Glorious sunshine and a picturesque Coral Sea resort greeted us. Reado, with endless sun and no tiresome cricket clothing needed, was like a pig in the brown stuff. His ego was given a massive boost when he was signed up for some male modeling. Most others entertained themselves with deep-sea diving in the famous Barrier Reef and various water pursuits. On the second evening we were taken out on the local banana boat cruise to watch the sun set over one of the seven natural wonders of the world. A day's fishing produced a first (and last) catch of the tour for Trevett who beamed with pride as we were treated to a moonlit fish meal on the jetty as a result.

Possible the most unforeseen acts of lunacy came from Copleston (clearly feeling the effects of sunstroke) and Hufton. Their decision to jump out of a plane to do a sky dive from 12,000 feet was questionable, but they earned kudos by doing the stunt in OC blazers.

The lazy days were rudely interrupted by the final tour match at Mackay where some quite dreadful catching hinted at the previous days' excesses. Hobbs and Read were dealt with, but Chetwode and Hufton soon pegged it back, and had we held our chances Mackay would have not passed 150. Treated to some unprecedented hospitality and press coverage from the local news channel and newspaper , we matched a side packed with grade players to the end. Sadly Hobbs failed the simple challenge of scoring ten off the last over against a first grade player who has been measured at 85 miles and hour.

Back in Sydney, the end of tour dinner took place on the riverside in Sydney at the famous Wharf restaurant. Fines and tour awards reached fever pitch as McDermott delivered one of his more abusive speeches to Barry Ross by way of thanks. But the Australians, as with everything we threw at them, sent it back with interest in the sporting manner intended. This was a truly fantastic evening to cap a tour that no-one will forget.

End of Tour Reports

Steve Bailey Maintained his form of late - unfortunately. Captained with humour, drank with regularity and was at one stage mistaken for Wongy. Has since enrolled in a gym.
Mike Chase For the second tour in succession he proved to be the leading batsman without ever really playing the big innings. Responsible for the only real on-field controversy when he tried to outsledge an Australian at Mackay. Unwise.
Mike Chetwode The limbs may be stiffer but he remains the bowler most likely to stem the flow of runs or take the much-needed wicket. His batting briefly sparked at Bowral … his fielding didn't.
Eds Copleston By his own high standards he disappointed and his running was unusually suspect. He fielded well, and took every opportunity to get unsuspecting passers-by the don the blazer, as well as wearing it on his sky-dive.
Phil Goulstone Most sides take ringers who are superb cricketers. We had one who announced on arrival that he was starting uni in Sydney the following day and was therefore unavailable for most of the games.
Freddie Hood Looked solid as an opener but suffered from Eds' running. His fielding was sound, his catching superb, and his Hawaiian shirt in the Hunter Valley left even Johnson stunned.
Pete Hobbs A revelation with the ball, where his opening bursts was hostile and penetrative. Quite useless with the bat and a complete liability off the field. Winner of the tour Help The Aged award.
Tom Hufton Bowled with pace but little luck, but his batting was the saving grace at Knox Grammar. Unsure against the quick bowlers, his cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof footwork against the quickie at St George's was a highlight.
Rick Johnson Kept well in all five matches, he overcame yet another dismal piece of running in the opening match to play a couple of useful innings. His fines sessions were evil, and retribution this summer is inevitable.
Nick Read Amazingly stayed injury-free throughout and proved a good opening bowler, albeit dropping a little too short. Batted soundly, and for the first time in a decade looked a genuine allrounder. If he could play in just shorts would have an even better tan.
Nathan Ross Our second ringer, and another who was about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Injured for the first game, played for the opposition at Bowral, and absent picking up his girlfriend at Mackay, he at least batted well at St George's. Also showed tourists how to behave while charming the local police at King's Cross.
Tom Trevett Did well for someone who came on tour with the aim of not playing. Bowled a memorable over at St George's. His highlights were his Superman life-saving exploits on Bondi and deep-sea catch in the Whitsundays.
Martin Williamson Thanks for coming. Eight days, 48 hours on a plane, 21,000 miles, all for three runs and one wicket.

John McDermott Subdued (probably on account of actually having to umpire some matches), sparked controversy in the first game by warning the OCs to "bloody grow up" in his best schoolmasterly fashion. His post-match speeches became the stuff of legend as he gratuitously insulted every host and somehow got away with it.

Andy Wright Unfortunately unwell for the first leg of the trip, Wongy sparked into life during the wine tasting which he approached more as an obstacle course than a cultural experience.