OCs cling on for a draw

Old Wellingtonians 244 (Jones 60, Allen 3-30, Henderson 2-33, Harman 2-55) drew with Old Cranleighans 130 for 9 (Bailey 32, Barker 4-23)
Click here for match photos

The weather broke shortly after the start of the second game of the week, the temperature dropping and several heavy showers blighting the day, one brutal squall mid-morning causing several ageing OCs to show a turn of speed not seen in years.

Old Wellingtonians never settled before lunch on a pitch which, spruced up by rain, offered far more than it had 24 hours earlier. Paddy Harman and Ed Henderson proved a useful new-ball partnership, and after they had prised out the top order, Duncan Allen came on to make light work of the middle order. At 88 for 6 an early finish was on the cards, but Jones capitalised as the conditions eased, and he steered Wellington to 244.

We started equally unconvincingly, but despite a minor recovery from Simon Copleston and Steve Bailey, we were never in the chase. More rain meant that we were left batting out the final overs, but that provided late drama as we managed to lose wickets every time we appeared safe. Mike Roper was ninth man out in the penultimate over after more than one scare, and it was left to Henry Watkinson to bat out the final over. Even then he gave his captain one last scare, scooping the fourth ball back over the bowler and coming within a diving inch of being caught.

Cricket week bodes well for the future

The 2007 week was one of the best in recent years with four wins, all by good margins, one defeat and a winning draw at Charterhouse. What was most heartening was the age of the sides. Most days we had the majority of the team under 23 and the youngsters provided signs of remarkable talent.

Seren Waters and Alan Cope, both under 20, scored memorable hundreds, Matt Crump bowled well and Stuart Meaker showed the class that has been apparent with both bat and ball. Several others, such as Jumbo Jupp, made useful contributions. Dane Groenveld, back from Australia for the holidays, batted with great success, while the old guard, in the form of Michael Chetwode, Graham Webb, Simon Copleston and Henry Watkinson, showed they still have plenty to offer.

Click here for the full week's match reports and photos

Paul's records will fall - Copleston

In February, Simon Copleston brought a (temporary) close on his OCCC career. In 125 matches since 1991 he has scored 3729 runs at 37.29, including five hundreds. Only two people – Nigel Paul and Iain Wilkie – have scored more runs, and both remain in his sights. We asked him to look back on his time with the club.

What was your first memory of OC cricket - can you remember your first game?
The first game of OC cricket that I played was against Esher in 1991. I remember feeling slightly nervous (David Bugge was captaining; he kept moving me around the field as I adopted my usual approach of standing in a slightly different place for every ball). I scored 41 and opened the batting with the great Richard Radbourne. I think we put on a hundred for the first wicket but amusingly I was on 14 when Richard was dismissed in the 90s.

What were your first impressions of the club?
Friendly, amusing and, most importantly, some good cricket. Straight away I was looking forward to the next season.

What has been your favourite innings?
I've got lots of great memories from my OC career, several of them stick in my mind. My first ever century was for the OCs (featured match - v Lancing Rovers in 1992). We chased 300 and won. I enjoyed the 140 against Eton Ramblers last year.

What is your most vivid (non cricketing) memory?
There are so many: Rick's spit roast barbeques. All of the tours generally. It’s been 12 years of fun.

And what was the match that sticks out most in your memory?
Again, there are several: Chasing 300 against Lancing Rovers, the first Brewer's Cup victory, beating the Antigua Under-19s at the Recreation Ground.

Which opponents did you enjoy playing against the most?
Over the years we have always been hosted well at Esher, the OCs have close connections with that club. Also, the games against Fettesian-Lorretonians were enjoyable (especially the fire eater who performed afterwards).

Who is the best OC cricketer you have played with?
Mike Chetwode, by a whisker from Henry Watkinson and Richard Gutteridge. His accuracy as a bowler is superb, accompanied by a good understanding of the game - he is also an excellent captain.

And who is the best player that got away?
It’s a shame that Gutteridge didnt play more.

Who is better - Simon or Eds!
Eds has the talent. I have the commitment and the staying power. So I get it - as the stats clearly show.

The suggestions that you were a slow player bothered you when you were younger. Do they still?
No. I opened the batting; at times I was slow. At times I still am slow. But I think I've also shown some versatility over the years. My hundred against the Frogs (batting at No. 4) was the second fastest hundred ever for the club.

How has the OCCC changed since you started playing?
Obviously the fixture list has changed a bit; perhaps the social side has increased more with the tours. Now there are some good younger players coming through, but the spirit remains the same and (despite Mac's views) I don’t think that the quality of cricket has dropped. You only need to look at our Brewer's Cup performances to see that we have an excellent pool of cricketers.

What do you think the future holds for the OCCC?
I hope that the younger players will come through and take over. Excluding myself, there are some excellent young players coming through, including some quite crazy characters who have the capacity to keep the OCCC healthy strong and fun for many years yet.

Have we seen the last of you … after all, Nigel Paul's record aggregate is still within reach?
Absolutely not. There are 57 cricket clubs in Abu Dhabi and cricket is the most popular sport (will the Middle East be a future OC tour destination?). I will therefore, be able to play cricket for 12 months per year, and when I return annually for cricket week, I will be expecting to score well. Also, as the temperature tops 45 degrees at the height of the summer, I'll be expecting to spend a good part of each summer in England. Paul will go down.

Watkinson scoops cricket week awards

Batsman of the week Close run thing with no hundred but four nineties. Simon Copleston edged the award courtesy of the pleasure he gave on the first Saturday when he ran himself out on 99. He also hit a six on the Wednesday in a rare attacking innings and made another ninety on the Friday.

Bowler of the week The evergreen Michael Chetwode took wickets at vital times and even unleashed his full run-up for the first time since McDermott was handsome. His workload was eased by good spells from several bowlers young enough to be his sons – Lewis Clarke, Dom Lewis, Alex Craven and Tim Payne to name four. Jock Vickers late burst with genuine turn - bowling Chinamen - wasn’t witnessed by enough people to be eligible.

Innings of the week Chetwode again for his eight-ball 17* at Charterhouse. Came in with 17 needed and the last pair at the wicket and hit 4,6,6 off their hapless left-armer. “I'd have gone on to 100 if I had the time,” the modest one later said.

Shot of the week Peter Hobbs’s hook against Tonbridge in a run chase – he top-edged into the back of his head, was knocked out, and when he finally got to his feet was told that he had been caught via cranium at gulley. Peter Rollings’s remarkable forehand smash for four warrants a mention.

Bowling performance of the week Henry Watkinson’s three-wicket burst to effectively end the match against Suttonians wins this, but his brother Sam’s two balls which “pinned” Richard Seeckts up there for amusement value.

Catch of the week: Alex Craven’s slip catch against Suttonians and Lewis Clark’s running overbalanced effort at Charterhouse up there. But joint winners are Graeme Brown’s excellent diving catch against Suttonians and Steve Bailey’s one-handed snatch at first slip against Celeriacs – the latter resulted in the batsman taking a full minute to leave the pitch as he couldn’t believe “that little round bloke” had caught it.

Drop of the week And there were plenty to chose from. But for crowd-pleasing amusement, Henry’s spill against Grasshoppers wins. The ball before he had lambasted Michael Chase for dropping a skyer. The batsman repeated the shot, the ball went high towards Watkinson standing in the deep 20 yards from Chase … and there was a glorious inevitability as Watkinson and ball hit turf at the same time. Bailey wins the most-drops prize.

Angry Man of the Week Again, as always with the OCCC, plenty of candidates. Chetwode demanded that an umpire be removed after he had the temerity to turn down an lbw shout (the same umpire had ask Chetters how to signal a leg bye the over before); Chase snarled at Watkinson, Watkinson back at Chase with increasing feeling on the Monday; but the award goes to a newcomer, Harry Jupp, who showed he has what it takes with a prolonged rant (lasting a few days) after (incorrectly) being given lbw by Chetwode on the Monday.

Spectator of the Week Close contest between Philip Angel, Viv Cox and Rick Johnson. Whereas Cox was a good cricketer for the OC’s before the war, and Angel supplies beer, and a moving target for big-hitting batsman, Johnson was just useless, even by his standards. He took seven days off work and he never actually made it onto the field. Slept through two games. When he was awake he phutted round on his motorbike, knocked it over, and it sustained £500 worth of damage with 15 miles on the clock.

Vodafone Technology Award Watkinson again. On the first Saturday he rang the umpire’s mobile from the pavilion balcony and instructed the official to tell opening batsman Simon Copleston to get a move on or get out.

Rick Johnson: can anyone explain the point?
Mid-Life Crisis Award Tough competition. Simon Copleston for his purchase of the kind of car your father would drive and think cool – a “babe magnet” according to SCGC? Johnson for his Ducatti nightmare, not only buying it, but breaking it, and being too scared to go over 50mph even when it was working? Copleston by a short nose.

Wreck of the week Hobbs. Lifetime holder. Was a shambling has-been after one match, his KO against Tonbridge provoked widespread mirth, and his inability to drive his mid-life crisis sportscar in a straight line caused certain embarrassment.

Honorable Mentions Eds Copleston for parading a pet rabbit called Playboy during the Brewers Cup match (“It’s named after me”). Henry Watkinson for upsetting the first scorer the club has had in 20 years by sending her off to score on the Lowers. Gareth Starling for dumping a girl on the Thursday night only to re-pull her 24 hours later.

Week ends on a winning note

Despite gloomy weather forecasts and the late cry-off of Eton (for the second year running) the 2004 week was a great success, and particularly because we fielded more youngsters than ever before. On some days we had as many as six recent leavers, and all appeared to enjoy their first taste of OC cricket.

We started with the first defeat of the season at the hands of Sam Watkinson’s XI, never quite scoring enough runs despite Simon Copleston’s patient 99 – he ran himself out going for his hundred. The match was played in gloomy weather and suffered from three rain breaks. Eton’s cancellation on the Sunday was academic as it turned out as the groundsman decided the pitch was unfit early in the morning.

On the Monday we drew with Grasshoppers, facing 43 overs against the 63 we bowled at them. It was an unsatisfactory match, with Grasshoppers batting too long and OCs never mounting anything resembling a serious challenge. When the next day, on the one truly sunny one of the week, Georgians’ manager and umpire turned up, but not the side, things appeared to be in freefall.

The next morning we trooped down to Kent to play Tonbridge. Sadly while we were doing that, they were on the way to Cranleigh. Thanks to the wonders of mobile technology, the game was hastily rearranged at Cranleigh and we managed to scrape a two-wicket win.

The most dramatic finish of the week came at Charterhouse where we bowled them out for 117, then slumped to 101 for 9 before a four and two sixes in an over from Michael Chetwode guided us to victory.

On the Friday, Simon Copleston was again dismissed in the nineties against Celeriacs – as was Andy Houston in only his second game in as many years – and five-wickets from Chetwode, including the final one with three balls remaining – gave us three wins in three. Sadly, the Oldies failed to maintain the momentum as they slid to a four-wicket defeat by Surrey Cryptics.

The week ended on a high as we crushed Old Suttonians to book a place in the Brewers Cup semi-final, with Will Howard (94) and Abeed Janmohamed (65*) guiding us to 292 for 6 before three early wickets from Henry Watkinson ended match as a contest. On the Lowers, our second side went down to a 44-run defeat at the hands of Radley Rangers.

Full credit should go to Henry Watkinson for superb organisation and the occasional toy-throwing, Bryony Everett for excellent catering, and the young guns led by Gareth Starling and Johnny Gates who injected life (and in some cases volume) into proceedings. To all those who came down to watch and support, thank you. And to the discovery of the Red Lion in Shamley Green (£65 for a double, including excellent breakfast) as an alternative to East House ‘beds’ and accompanying chiming clock, for ensuring that Messrs Williamson, Chetwode and Seeckts will all be back in 12 months – is that a good thing?

Cricket week 2003 ... the awards

Batsman of the Week: Henry Watkinson
Henry was at his belligerent best throughout, leading the charge against Grasshoppers with a quickfire fifty and regularly upping the tempo of an innings in his own style.

Bowler of the Week: Graeme Brown
A long-service reward for Shorts, who was used to keep one end ticking over while the big guns rested (or hid from the first-class batsmen). Brown took the scalps of Trevor Gripper, Hamish Marshall and Matt Church to name three.

Innings of the Week: Rick Johnson
Rick showed that he can play real cricket when the occasion demands with a thoroughly entertaining 60 against Grasshoppers. He also came second in the voting for giving a large assembly huge delight by being bowled for 0 to the second ball of the week.

Shot of the Week: Pete Hobbs/Richard Seeckts/Graeme Brown
Close call, this. All three shots came as we tried to draw the tedious game against Wanderers. Hobbs aimed a massive heave at a straight one ("I was bored"), then Seeckts tried to smack Gripper out of the ground ("I bet him I could hit him for six"), and as captain Watkinson grew increasingly angry, Brown capped it all by charging down the wicket to Gripper and being stumped by such a margin that it could have been classifed as a run out ("He hit me for six, I wanted a go back at him"). Brown's was filth, but Hobbs returned to find his team-mates had formed a 'corrdior of shame' for him to walk through.

Bowling Performance of the Week: Ed Henderson
OK, Michael Chetwode might have got more wickets, but Hendo's amazing return of 8-7-1-2 against Old Aldenhamians is about as good as it can get for an opening bowler in a cup competition. The one run he conceded was a wide off his fourth ball - his next 42 balls were runless.

Fielder of the Week: Sam Langmead
Chased everything, perfected the sliding stop-and-throw, has a good, accurate arm, and most importantly responded to a yell of "hard in" from Chetwode at the bowler's end with a exocet from about 15 yards which left the great man spreadeagled on the ground clutching his midriff.

Catch of the Week: Simon Copleston
A remarkable catch from Simon at short midwicket off Martin Williamson to end an opening stand of 52 by the Celeriacs. A held-back ball (long hop) was middled by the unlucky opener hard to Simon's right and no more than two inches off the ground. Simon flung himself, held the ball, and leapt to his feet with a hard-man's stare and no emotion, as if to indicate to the batsman that this was routine for him. If only he knew …

Over of the Week: Henry Watkinson v Surrey Cryptics
Another award for the captain. Chasing runs as the declaration loomed, Henry announced that he would prove he was a big hitter. The first ball went high but straight to mid-on who dropped a rotuine catch - 2 runs. The second ball was lofted towards long off who should have been on the fence but being an OC (Paul Goss) he had drifted and the ball looped over his head for four. The third ball was blocked. The fourth ball was skyed to square leg for another routine chance but again it was dropped - 2 runs. The fifth ball was again smacked to Goss at long off; Goss, lambasted by his captain for "not being on the rope, you twat" had learned his lesson. Again the ball sailed over his head as he charged in, another four. The last ball was an edged single. Four dropped catches in five balls. Good hitting, Waffer.

Drop of the Week: Henry Watkinson/Anonymous
The identity of the gentleman who dropped the Old Georgians' opener (who went on to get 116) off the first ball of the match - and a sitter at that - will remain a secret as it was his first appearance for the club. So instead Watkinson wins the award for a plethora of missed chances (he did take some good ones in his defence) the best being his drop off the same OG batsmen the very ball after he had loudly reminded his fielders that they "have to hold on to any chances".

Chat-up Line the Week: Henry Watkinson
No contest as the captain crashed and burned in a Guildford nightclub. The recipient of Henry's "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Barbara Streisand?" line was so unimpressed that she hit him several times, cutting his lip in the process. "She had a big nose," explained Watkinson.

Woman's Arm of the Week: Graeme Brown
Not a good week for Brownie's machismo reputation. Having mocked Simon Copleston's throw, Brown, previously thought to have a good arm, failed to get within 10 yards of Simon's worst effort (and within 20 yards of anyone else's) during the Sunday night challenge. By Thursday he was being asked to show just how feeble his arm was to opposing players. His humiliation was completed when he was out-thrown by a woman on the final day of the week.

Conman of the Week: Rick Johnson
Rick's determination to disprove rumours that he has the drinking capacity of a fourth-former ended in a 60 in 60 challenge (60 shots glasses of beer in 60 minutes). Rick triumphed, seeing off Watkinson whose challenge ended on his 57th glass. But a subsequent weights-and-measures examination revealed that Rick's glass was two-third's of the size of the others used in the competition. Rick denied the accusation but the question marks over his capacity to drink remain.

Wreck of the Week
No contest. Hobbsy, despite being just 29, behaved like a 50-year-old on the pitch and a 15-year-old off it. No woman was safe while Hobbsy prowled or lounged in the swimming pool, but once he donned the whites he hobbled his way round the outfield, bowled a few overs and grimaced.

Brewers Cup final player reports

Eds Copleston 9/10 Superb organisation before the game, captained well on the field and led by example. His innings, all the better given his medicocre form throughout the season, was vital to the win as it calmed nerves after the loss of an early wicket

Simon Copleston 8/10 Often criticised for slow scoring, he overcame his own scratchy form to grind out an absoluely vital innings in the context of the match, his partnership with his brother proving the match-winner.

Richard Hume 6/10 Unfortunate to play on after becoming slightly bogged down, he provided one of the moments of the day. After snicking the ball into his pads and from there straight to a close fielder, he sneered at the resulting appeal for lbw, exclaiming "How could that be out, I hit it". The umpire ignored the fact that it had been caught and the fielders were left amazed at Skippy's stupidity.

Mike Chase 7/10 The old man of the side fielded well and then resisted his natural urge to try and hit the cover off the ball, happily grinding out the runs needed to win. Only later did he admit that his average for the season is over 100 and he "wasn't going to throw away that for anyone".

Abeed Janmohammed 8/10 Bowled well after a shaky start which saw 10 come off his first over and, as ever, fielded quite superbly. Coming in at 94 for 3, he batted with great maturity and ensured that a mini-collapse didn't become a crisis.

Graeme Brown 6/10 Struggled to find his line and length with the ball, although did get turn. Fielded well but spilt what would have been an oustanding catch near the end.

Will Howard 8/10 Kept very well and stood up to all bowlers which put considerable pressure on the bastmen.

Nick Read 7/10 Overcame a nervous start (24 off his first four overs) to bowl with control, grabbing two wickets. Solid in the field, and amazingly got through the game without pulling any muscles.

Michael Chetwode 8/10 Despite a 24-hour drinking binge the day before (and resulting lecture from his captain) he bowled with his usual parsimony after a wobbly start, conceding just 11 runs in nine overs. Fielded like a man with a hangover.

Ed Henderson 8/10 Bowled with excellent control and, aided by Will Howard standing up to him, proved hard to get away. Took wickets as soon as he came on both times. Fielded well and almost took an brilliant catch.

Tim Evans 9/10 His medium-paced gentle outswing completely bamboozled the opposition, and he got the game off to a flier by taking a wicket with the first ball of the match. His return of 11-5-22-2 was by far his best for the club.

Supporters 10/10 Great turnout from the great and the good, with ages ranging from Viv Cox (84) down to the youngest member of the Chetwode clan at a few months. John McDermott so enjoyed the day that he briefly abandoned being rude to all and sundry. The free bar and food helped make for a great day.

Watkinson to miss Brewers Cup final?

Eds Copleston has announced his side for the final of the Brewers Cup against Old Herefordians at Milton Keynes on Sunday, September 1.

He has stuck by the players who guided us to our first limited-overs final, with the only surprise the omission of former captain Henry Watkinson. Two years ago Henry would have been one of the first names on the teamsheet, but he returned from a year in Australia massively overweight and unfit. Although a vigorous cabbage soup diet helped him shed much of his belly, his fitness remained a problem, a point stressed by Copleston. “He isnt fully fit or bowling as he needs to be to book a seat on the player's bus. I have the utmost respect for Henry- on top form he'd get into any side I picked. He's had an unlucky injury just before the last round that has wrecked his chances of being involved this year. I know him, he will come back stronger next year and I look forward to that.”

The only change from the side which beat Old Dunstonians in the semi-final was the return of veteran Mike Chetwode in place of schoolboy Johnny Gates. Gates played a crucial part in the win, and batted with great confidence at Blackheath, but Chetwode had to be accommodated. “Having to drop Johnny was not an easy decision,” admitted Copleston. “He had a fantastic day in the field and looks like a star in the making with the bat."

The OC batsmen are all in form which bodes well for the match, and the seam bowlers have all shown that they have adjusted well to the limited-overs format. Graeme Brown is the sole spinner, although the emergence of Abeed Janmohamed as an offspinner in the last season has given Copleston the luxury of a more than able sixth bowler.

Our opponents probably go into the match as favourites, having reached the final last season. Like us, they did their best to throw away the semi-final with a dramatic batting collapse, slumping from 102-0 to 113-5 chasing 120 to win. Strong batting, tempered with a propensity to collapse. It promises to be a good day out.

1. Richard Hume
2. Simon Copleston
3. Eds Copleston (c)
4. Mike Chase
5. Abeed Janmohammed
6. Graeme Brown
7. Will Howard (wk)
8. Nick Read
9. Mike Chetwode
10. Ed joHenderson
11. Tim Evans
12th man – Johnny Gates

Bailey urges players to train

Steve Bailey has been setting a fine example for his team-mates by attending regular rigorous training sessions at Lord's. The net sessions have involved substantial fitness tests, followed by intensive batting coaching analysis under the critical eye of Mark Mason, qualified coach and batting guru.

Insiders report that Bailey has been in fine form, hitting the ball hard and far and that there is little sign of any winter deterioration in his form. He is reported to have said: "I feel its vital to set the right example to other members of my team which is why I have committed myself to this training schedule and urge others also to do so."

But when asked to go on the record, Bailey would only say - "The only practicing I have been doing is how to tuck my bat under my arm as I walk off".

But he was quick to criticise players who report back after the winter unfit. "One or two should be ashamed of themselves," he said. "I don't want to mention names ... well, Chetwode actually ...they should set a better example. I have always prided myself of my personal fitness and hygiene," he added.


Simon Copleston has been following Bailey's lead in the nets. He commented, "Its a great idea. Steve is a fantastic, innovative and inspirational leader. These nets are really helping me work on my technique and I'm hoping for a good season for all." Copleston denied that this blatant brown-nosing had anything to do with reports that he was no longer considered the side's regular opening batsman.

Insiders (well, Simon himself, actually) reported that Copleston has responded positively to early fitness concerns over his damaged knee and that the transfer to using contact lenses has passed without a hitch, so far.

Another making a bid to return to former glories is Rick Johnson, who has shed 20lbs and is reported to be looking to get down to under 13st by the cricket week. "I've cut out food," explained Rick.

Bailey gets a second chance

Steve Bailey was unanimously re-elected as captain at the AGM of the club on January 28.

Bailey, whose first year at the helm was dogged by unavailability and bad weather, said that he was honoured to be given a chance to sort out the mess he had created. "I appreciate that one or two things went slightly wrong," he told the packed audience at the Cross Keys in Chelsea, "but it wasn't that bad … was it?" You could have heard a pin drop. Bailey promised to try and get at least seven players for all games.

Rick Johnson put forward a determined presentation about his plans for the tour to Australia in January 2003 and, despite some reservations from the members, was given until the end of February to come up with a detailed itinerary and list of potential tourists. The need to involve the youngster was stressed.

Herculean efforts by the Fixtures Secretary, Simon Copleston, meant that again we would have an eight-day cricket week to commemorate the return of the Jubilee pavilion as a home for OC cricket. Rick agreed to co-ordinate the organisation and the inevitable hog roast. Simon added that we had no new fixtures (aside from a game against a Sam Watkinson XI) but that we had agreed with the Old Georgians and Old Tonbridgians that we would play them on a home and away basis in alternate years, thus ensuring that we always had seven home matches during the week. He concluded by announcing that we had a home match against Old Johnians in the first round of the Brewers Cup.

Martin Williamson announced the club had made a substantial loss in 2001, caused largely by the lack of players in matches (it was hard to charge people picked up at a Guildford bus stop half-an-hour before the start of a game a match fee), bad weather and poor collection techniques (Bailey blamed Johnson, Johnson blamed Bailey etc). A number of remedies would be implemented in 2002.

John McDermott announced that he had agreed to stay on another two seasons as club president in order to ensure that 'Bailey didn't destroy the whole ****ing shooting match'.

'I'm the man' - Copleston

Simon Copleston launched a broadside at the OCCC's lacklustre management in recent seasons following the announcement that the club had been admitted to the Brewers Cup.

"Finally the OCCC is going to play some competitive cricket again," said the Cranleigh Village star. "Gone are the lazy days of friendly matches; Watkinson throwing up grenades; Chetwode coming on to mop up the tail; hat-tricks from Euan Briggs; everyone on the boundary to give them the single; centuries from Eds (Copleston) against Blackheath. Next year the OCs are going back to what they do best - winning!"

The OCCC will play old rivals the Old Hurstjohnians in the first round of the Cup, and Copleston is in no doubt that new blood is needed for this venture…and he has an idea who might best fit this role.

"Who better than me? I can promise you controlled aggression; dedication to winning, teamwork; flamboyance and gritty determination all rolled into one. I've got a wealth of competitive captaincy experience.

"Steve Bailey has promised to be my vice captain," added the clearly deranged left-hander. "The campaign will be getting into full swing on my return from an intrepid cricket tour of India, where I intend to visit the Gavaskar school of captaincy."

Former prospect Nick Read added: "Copleston would make a far better Fixture Secretary, as proven at school when he failed to beat Messrs Johnson and Watkinson to the higher echelons of the CCC."

He droned on: "I assume that these Brewer games will be abroad as I only play my cricket on foreign soils nowadays. However, as a direct contrast to Mr Bergkamp, I can always change my mode of transport from plane to car, if the price is right (and I am now extremely cheap).